Dear Hiring Manager: It's Starting to Get Cold. Are You Well?

Dear Hiring Manager,

When I saw the position for Cover Letter Writer on your website, I was, under threat of financial ruin and social ostracization, very excited!

I am oh-so-desperate for a job. Every day I scroll, a nervous wreck as my eyes glaze over so many jobs I do not want and simultaneously dread I cannot have, the pit of nausea in my stomach deepening as my thoughts spiral that I am unworthy of your salvation, the need for continuous employment having leeched its way into the groundwater of my soul, poisonous oil that coats everything in the interminable belief that my whole life must align to the holy North Star of My Career, and that the slightest deviancy therein will foul me forever as untouchable. The gap on my resume, I can explain. Please!

Fortunately, this has prepared me to be the very best Cover Letter Writer. You see, in this hour of darkness I have turned to masochism to cope, warping this degrading farce I perform even now into an act I take perverse, bordering on erotic satisfaction.

Every time I write, “Cover Letter Writer position at Your Company,” Hiring Manager, I hope to remind you that YOU are special to me. This is more than those other companies I sent applications to. That was just to make the Unemployment office look the other way. YOU are who I WANT, Hiring Manager.

To write, all day, “I am very excited for ABC position at XYZ company,” to call HR departments to “ask some questions” when in reality all I want is for you to hear my name and render in your mind the slightest Pavlovian link between me and my resume, to FORCE YOU to hear the ragged madness edging into the corners of my voice, that you will know me by our shared Humanity and not SIMPLY as one of your Resource girls. … Such sweet nothings, long into the night.

But alas, I am undeserving of having my voicemail returned. I was a naughty girl, Hiring Manager. I didn’t do my Networking. I spent my time building meaningful bonds with friends and family while my LinkedIn profile drifted derelict, and when a classmate in college who only ever spoke to me to copy my work wanted to Add Me To His Professional Network on LinkedIn™! … I routed the email to spam. Why, I could be capable of anything, Hiring Manager, and I deserve to be punished.

Thank you for the transient light of your consideration before the long dark,


Phone Number That is Very Easy to Reverse The Digits of By Mistake

Gmail Address You Will Drop The Middle Letter of And I Will Never Hear Back

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